TOP TIPS........



DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.



CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.



RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.



DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.



WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.



SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.



MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to

yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.



BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.



EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.



MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.



GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.



BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.



BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.



ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.



DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.



PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.



CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.



DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.



MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.



JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.



SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.



SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.



BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.



ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.



McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.



And the absolute belter for last



WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

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Sweet dreams Dan, Rob and Marky - You're always in our hearts

good advice!

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snap, crackle, pop, crazy crazy world
www.Scartgamer.com

Some good ones there sum.

might i add

fed up of getting annoying phone calls at stupid O'clock in the morning. try turning your phone off

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Sweet dreams Dan, Rob and Marky - You're always in our hearts

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mmmmmmm good advice

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fibre is my friend, more to come ;-) SI/T squirrel muncher

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My ebay stuff


Is that the best you can do?
-
2000 V70 T5 SE - 2.3, 5 cylinder, 20V, VVT, Turbo, 250bhp, cream leather, climate control, the works!

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NEVER DIE THEY JUST GET FASTER

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fibre is my friend, more to come ;-) SI/T squirrel muncher

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fibre is my friend, more to come ;-) SI/T squirrel muncher

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snap, crackle, pop, crazy crazy world
www.Scartgamer.com

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Rest in peace Ben "Jam" Elvin. Gone but never forgotten.

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Rest in peace Ben "Jam" Elvin. Gone but never forgotten.

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snap, crackle, pop, crazy crazy world
www.Scartgamer.com

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Rest in peace Ben "Jam" Elvin. Gone but never forgotten.

not to sure about the burglar one i think it should be more like chill out and have a brew before you leave coz the cops wont be anywere in site , or if in a car just drive around all night the wont chase you , just like when my XR2i got nicked they managed to lose it and it was turd but i did have to put a new head on it when i got it back

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Sweet dreams Dan, Rob and Marky - You're always in our hearts