Oh god that last one

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Quote Clarkson, Top Gear, 17th July: "I'm not having a stroke... just driving a Nissan!"
Quote Ry, Mallory Park, 3rd Dec: "Ahhhh crap... Just a bit too over eager really!"
"I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow in the knee"

That last one is just shocking!

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RUST IS LIGHTER THAN CARBON FIBER

http://www.fiesta-si.com
http://www.fiestaguides.co.uk/

oh dear lol got a similar one

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Husband is going out on the piss for the night, and when asked why he isn't staying later he says "oh my wife will kill me"

His mate asked him to stay out and gave him advice on what to do when going home very late
"What you do is you get in the bottom of the bed, get about hal way up, and give her a fanny a good chewin!"

He Said "She won't say a word! She wont say a bloody word!"

Low and behold the husband gets home at twenty to 3 out of his face and though to himself i'll bloody try that!

So for an hour and 3/4 he chewed her fanny

Then afterwards he got up and went for a pee and pulled the chain and his wife came out

She said "Darling dont make too much noise mothers in our bed!"

haha, the sick ones are the best lol

Thats just wrong!

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Got this cracker sent to me today:

A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
Well what is this type of clothing that we are wearing then?
They're called "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet? - These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? -
Yes, my son?
Why the fuck are we living in Bradford?

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RUST IS LIGHTER THAN CARBON FIBER

http://www.fiesta-si.com
http://www.fiestaguides.co.uk/

love it

Another:

THIS IS CLEVER
two Italian men talking on bus .
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.'
She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public
Places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi','

£10 says you're gonna read this again!

Thats taken some thinking up! And yes, I did read it again

-£10 to me

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lol yeah £10 here.

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I guessed due to it being an italian it would have something to do with the accent so I didn't read it again +10 for me!

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Those who owe £10 to me can just buy me a carvery at the north meet lol.

Iv got absolutley loads of jokes on my phone.

share

Come to north meet then lol.

Another dodgy accent one.
A farmer who wants a divorce goes 2c a lawyer, the farmer says "Oi wants to get wan of them dayvorces"
Lawyer..."Do you hav grounds?
Farmer... "Yes, i gots me 40 acres"
Lawyer "No, you dont understand, do u have a suit?"
Farmer..."Yes, oi wears it to church on Sundays"
Lawyer..."No, i mean do u have a grudge?
Farmer..."Yes, that's where i park the tractor"
Lawyer..."Does ur wife beat you up?"
Farmer..."No, we both get up at 5.30"
Lawyer gets annoyed & tries one last question..."Is ur wife a nagger?...
"No, she's white, but the baby's a nagger, that's why i wants a fuckin dayvorce!

love it

(10k )

chilean minder is making love to his wife for the 1st time since his release:

"can we switch the lights off?"
"Of course cocksniffer"
"Can i have you from behind?"
"Anything you want my brave boy"
"Can i call you pedro?"

Paddy & his wife were discussing their sex life. "I want 2 try that wheelbarrow position 2nite" he sed,
"Wot the hell is that"? asked his wife. "U bend over hands on the floor, i pick yor legs up & f**k u from behind" sed Paddy. "I'll do it on 2 conditions" she sed; "If it hurts you stop straight away, & we don't go past my mother's house!"