robbed from another forum! only the better ones though, and to be fair, there not the best. imagine Jimmy Carr saying them though
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (the world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A seal walks into a club...
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Jamal." The other goes to a family in Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Jamal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."
So I walked into a butcher's the other other day, and the bloke behind the counter says to me 'I bet you ten quid can't reach those two bits of meat up there on the shelf.'
So I looked up for a minute and then I said 'I'm afraid I can't accept that bet, mate.'
'Why not?' says the butcher.
'Because the steaks are too high'
Some are soooo crap it's untrue
